Dear Scabby -- Horny in Hooterville

Dear Scabby:

Me 'n' muh bruther Earl been havin' ourselfs a set-to, an' we need yer perfessional opinion.

Muh brother Earl broke up with his girl Daisy Mae jest this mornin, and already I'm wantin' to ask her to the dance tomorrow night. Daisy Mae and Earl been datin' purt near a year, and Earl tol' me I oughta wait a week or two jest out of respect fer him.

I've always been sweet on Daisy Mae, and I don't wanna miss the chance to finally git me some of that cootchie. Should I wait, or is it okay to jest go fer it?

Whaddya say, Scabby?

Signed,

Horny in Hooterville

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Dear Horny in Hooterville:

What does yer sister Daisy Mae say? She's parta this too, an she's kinfolk, fer gawdsake!! My advice is fer Daisy Mae to clean her cootchie with a good douche before you hit it. That way, if she shows up preggers nine months from now, the kid'll be either yours or Earls, not both. It's been known to happen in close knit families such as yourselfs, with brothers and sisters sharing beds, that a kid can have two daddies if their sperm gits mixed together.

I'm sure your family tree is already tangled enuff. You don't need no nonsense like that.

Sincerely,

Scabby

Dear Scabby -- Incestuous in Inglewood

Dear Scabby:

My adult son has become addicted to craigslist, and has turned into a real loser. He sits in front of the computer, day & night, posting, cursing, mumbling and snickering. He won't even eat his favorite "Spaghetti-O's" that I make him every night. I've been TIVOing "SpongeBob" for two weeks, but he hasn't watched a single episode. And the scariest thing is, during our special "cuddle times", he sometimes calls me Craig, instead of mommy, and he has been skipping some of our our "cuddle times" lately. I think I'm losing him.

I think his screen name is, "The Real Asshole". I've been to craigslist, and almost everyone hates him. They say lots of mean things to him and about him, and as his mommy, that hurts me. Plus, he lies a lot online. He says he's smart, but he's always been a bit on the slow side.

What can I do to get my baby back, and protect him from those meanies on craigslist?

Signed

Incestuous in Inglewood
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Dear Incestuous:

Whut is most important, Honey, an' yew already know this, is a mommy's luv fer her son, an' Ah ain't talkin' maternal luv here, if you know whut Ah mean. Ah'm a talkin' 'bout doin' the hot 'n' nasty. Gittin' jiggy.

Yew needs to git back to basics, sweetie, an show that boy whut's important in life. Yank his little butt from that computer an' give him the spankin' of his life. Not only will it punish his misbehavior, but it'll also remind him of who's boss. Plus, if he's been trained like a proper inbreeder, the spankin' will give him the stiffie of his life, and then he'll really want to give ya the lovin' he owes ya, and whut ya deserve.

Be patient, girl. A boy might stray briefly from his momma, but that bond, that luv, is too strong, 'specially in us inbreeders.

Now, go git busy. Give him the spankin' of his life. But, make sure yer sheets on the bed are clean, first. Yer gonna need 'em

Sincerely,

Scabby

Dear Scabby -- Wondering in Washington

Dear Scabby:

Who did you vote for in November, Obama or Romney?

Sincerely,

Wondering in Washington
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Dear Wondering:

Well, as you know, Ah'm a big bleever in family values. Fergit gay marriage. Ah likes to vote fer whoever is tryin' to legalize sibling marriage. That's right, sibling marriage. Whut's more family oriented than marryin' 'em and breedin' with 'em? It's the lack of inbreedin' whut's killin' America.

So, Ah rilly wanted to vote fer Hillary. She's the only one Ah knows fer shure breeds with kinfolk, bein' a good ol' girl from Arkansaw. Lookit her kid. There's definitely some recessive genes expressin' themselves in that sorry face.

Ah cain't vote fer Barry Obama. He dun looks like he comes from a family of outbreeders. White momma, black daddy, not an uncle or cousin anywheres in his parentage. And he wants to lead America? Not on my watch.

Ah still wanted McCain. He at least gits a few bonus points in mah book fer havin' a young 'un fer a bride. At least, she looks like she could be a daughter or a niece. Ah had mah researchers doin' some checkin', an' it don't appear that she's kin or nuthin', so that was a big black mark agin' him when it comes to family values. Sometimes, if both yer parents is only chilluns, and mebbe even yer grandparents too, there might not be enough cousins, niece or sisters to git hitched to one. Ah'm gonna check it out git back with ya.

Anyhooz, Ah wrote McCain's name in, cuz he's the closest thing to an inbreeder we gawt, but if I can find me some third-party candidate whut supports the legalization of medical meth, that person's gonna git mah vote next time.

Ah'm so sick of hearin' about legalizing medical marihoony, and people being able to grow their own pot. Whut about meth? Ah'm tired of criminalizing mah kids jest so they kin git the meth their growing bodies so desperately need. If cancer patients can grow pot legally, then we inbreeders oughta be able to have a legal meth lab in our homes, at least fer personal use.

Sincerely,

Scabby  

Dear Scabby -- Methless in Memphis

Dear Scabby:

Me 'n' muh sister iz gittin' hitched right soon, but we dun had a set-to yestiddy, an' now I jes' ain't shure she's the one Ah wanna spend the rest of muh life with.

We wuz down to jest a couple of pipefuls of meth, an' she dun smoked 'em BOTH before I could even git mah lips on that pipe. Ah gawt right pissed fer her selfishness at smokin' all the meth, an ya wanna know whut her excuse wuz? You damn shore ain't gunna bleeve this.

Bitch said cuz she's 3 months pregnant (we ain't shore if the baby belongs to me or muh pa, but that's another letter) that she's is smokin' fer two now. Smokin' fer two!! Like the kid in her belly needs meth in the first trimester.

Ah heard they don't really need it till round about the 4th or 5th month, an' that "smokin' fer two" bullshit wuz jest an excuse to hawg all the meth.

Iz this whut ah'm lookin' forward to the rest of muh life if ah marry her?

Sincerely,

Methless in Memphis

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Dear Methless in Memphis:

Doctors differ on whether meth is required for proper development in the first trimester, or whether it can safely be delayed until the 4th or 5th month. Being a woman and the mother of two happy, healthy meth-heads mah own damn self, Ah believe ya cain't start too early. Why gamble with yer baby's (or yer pa's baby's) health?

More important, whut's really goin' on is you two lovebirds are experiencing something all-too common among us in-breeders: the very difficult transition from brother-sister to husband-wife. Talk to yer ma 'n' pa. Are they brother-sister? Ask how they managed it. If they're not kin, find someone else who is and confide yer difficulties in them. You'll probly be surprized to learn you ain't alone, that many siblings have experienced similar problems.

If, in fact, you 'n' yer sis prove to be incompatible, and you have to marry outside yer family, be prepared fer a lotta backlash from kinfolk. Ah know it's the 21st century, an' the notion of marryin' outside yer family shoulda gained wider acceptance than it has, but be patient and brave. Be a leader. Marryin' outside the clan is nuthin' to be ashamed of anymore, no matter whut yer mammy or pappy might say.

Sincerely,

Scabby

Dear Scabby -- Rufus in Redneckville

Dear Scabby:

Did the results in the Super Bowl surprise you?

Sincerely,

Rufus in Redneckville

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Dear Rufus in Redneckville:

Well, we dun had at the house 18 cousins, 12 aunts, nine uncles, 13 nieces, 12 nephews, assorted grammas, grampas, and cousins. Course, since we inbreed, that adds up to purt near eight or nine people total.

Mah perdiction wuz, we's gonna have three drunken brawls, four arrests, six people pukin', and four passed out drunks. Mah hubby predicted five brawls, three arrests, eight people pukin' and only two passed out drunks.

I wuz closer overall, but ah missed on the brawls. Ah fergot cousin Zeb wuz still feudin' with everybody on pa's side, so he got in four brawls all by his own damn self.

Oh, ya mean the winner of the game? Ah ain't gawt no damn clue.

Sincerely,

Scabby